Well tumbler I have been thinking about it lately about life and all that jazz.. How short it is and how much just minor things need to be cherished, loved and nurtured. Stuff like that recently I had a little bump in the road and I let it get to me of all people bit whatever people have their off days I guess mine just lasted longer.
So I have been pondering about what I should write and what to post and what not. After thinking I came up with the perfect thing! A secret! A secret that is valuable to me in many ways and it even controls how I act on some days if it gets bad enough. I have the ability to sense how people are feeling to some degree and even feel their pain if I be with them or around them long enough… The drawbacks to this little ability is that I really can’t turn it off and tends to change my mood suddenly but most of the time it just feels like chest pain, heart burn, sudden sharp pains, headaches, and many more things.
Most of the time I can either walk it off or just smile and walk away,but sometimes it gets to the point that it Shows on my face or the pain just keeps being at the constant level that I just can’t take it. Usually that’s at the extreme levels and never makes it to that point. Most of the time I just keep to myself and I try to figure out where the pain is coming from or the emotions or what not. But most of the time I’m just in a crowd and I can’t pinpoint it out or I just don’t bring it up to anybody’s attention but my own.
Unfortunately its probably not going to go away till probably the day I die but hopefully I can use it to help that much more with the people around me and that I can make the world a slightly better place to live in.
Well if going to bed now people I hope I get to talk you guys and my last bit that I’m going to add… Are there any questions for me?

So last night I received a text about my post yesterday and it was pretty heart warming for the most part…., but it got my thinking… Why is it that I have to be the strong one for everybody that I have to be the inspiring hero that has to make it through everything and still have a smile on his face, or the person that has to be the  listener and has to solve everyone’s problems… That’s not who I wanted to be.. I didn’t want to have to deal with all these problems and have to make sure that certain people are alright all of the time.. because all of the time I have to counsel somebody and make sure that they aren’t going to go do something stupid.. Or if it comes to the worst something happened to them and you have to keep it a secret until they are ready to tell somebody…

  I honestly never wanted to be that person that has to be strong for everyone, that has to be the hero, that at times has to be their best friend, or an ear to listen, or a brain to help with whatever the situation desired. Instead I have to force myself to be that said person and have to help them no matter what the task asks for. ( to an extent, because of morals, ethics, etc.) I have to be that reliable guy that everyone can count on for anything and that no matter what the problem is Cody or Kruse I has to be there to fix it because no one out there has time out of their busy schedule to help out, but I guess I do? that doesn’t really make any sense, but like a stupid person I help out anyway because of my inability to not help a person that is in need in some sort of fashion that really needs attention… 

   To be honest the only thing I wanted to be was some girl’s knight in shinning amour that saves the day and they live happily ever after and that kind of bull like that. To just be the perfect boyfriend for somebody but so far 99% of the female population only has used my for emotional support, money, a shoulder to cry on, a friend, best friend, and most of the time friend zoned for being a nice guy and some other dumb excuse that females come up with most of the time that try to justify why they do the things that they do.

   So i’m starting to breakdown my kind, caring, helpful personality that tries to help people and general nice stuff. To the point that I just become a complete and utter excuse my french but an asshole that doesn’t really give a hoot about what other people think, what they truly want, etc. assholeness that is usually associated with this type of person in general. So sorry about this little rant but i’m getting really tired about this stuff that people usually use me for and just leave me in the dust to rot and to expect me just to be okay. When really i’m not i’m fed completely up to me head in basically bullshit about people caring, when in actuality people don’t and they just want a free handout..

   So I am leaving with this for the night. There are days when people ask for minor things and they don’t really ask for much most of the time that is okay. It’s only when people do it every single day and don’t really care about what happens to others as long as they get what they want then that is really when people begin to start pushing my buttons and really get me aggravated. So i’ll leave with a question to the people… are there any questions for me?

Why me?… Why do I have to be the person that has to make everyone happy and then they leave once they are? Why do I have to be one of the few people that have to hide behind something as simple as a smile or a laugh or a persona that i’m happy… How many times I try to find someone that is perfect for me, but they end up hurting me anyway… That almost always I feel alone. My job that i’m currently working at right now makes me feel this way all the time without people even noticing… I have been feeling this way for a long time not truly knowing which emotion is really which… as if I haven’t even been here at all… That even among most of my friends… EVEN the ones who care without asking for anything in return, who actually like me for being me… Even with them I feel completely alone… I remember a time where I was barely joining the navy and everybody was so proud of me and that they promised me this and that… Only to find out that not one person keep their person…. not even one.. something as simple as writing a letter.. “Oh my bad Cody! I was totally busy!” Busy? I had only one hour two times a week to talk to the outside world… and you were busy? sorry next i’ll remember to work with your schedule that would be completely fine… How I had to finish college classes in less than a month? sorry I’ll remember to be on YOUR schedule… Then I announce when I’m coming down to my hometown for the first time… what I expected didn’t happen… only a few people keep that promise to see me… Because even with family, I feel completely alone…. My best of friends.. I also feel alone at times… Even if I do get into a relationship, even then I feel completely alone as well… and I always get the same answer from most people or to say the same question ” Why are you so depressed all the time? ” to answer that question would be to difficult to understand for most people so half the time all I say is ” I’m fine, I’m not even depressed at all.” Pretty much the greatest lie for most of the population to hear and the have a merry day while i’m left feeling alone…. As a part of the male population I’m also getting tired of getting called a “good friend” by the female counterpart but never really making it past that stage…  Even after trying my hardest… working till eyes are burning from lack of sleep, my body goes numb after working for so long, my mind goes weary from working on everything.. but to what avail? To be called a good friend or a wonderful person… but nothing more then that… There were only three ladies that gave me a chance but in the end they all ended the exact same way… Just a friend…. So i’m leaving with this, I have officially gave away all of my bags of giving a living crap about people’s lives and that from now on… I won’t be nice, polite, or anything in that nature except to the people in my life that actually give a rat’s ass that i’m there or not… That I’m just going to curl up in my corner and just watch the days go by… Later tumblr peeps…- silent leader finally fed up

My World

Source: My World, Alone Poem http://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/my-world#ixzz1sGTIvsii 
www.FamilyFriendPoems.com